(And I ain’t talking ’bout pizza.)
Direct marketing in Korea is quite different from in the U.S. For one, there’s no junk mail. Well, not that I’m getting. From the looks of the mailboxes in my building’s entryway, not many other people are either. What I do get a lot of is “door spam.” I’m not sure who came up with this, but it’s really odd. Instead of mailing you junk, they have somebody come around and stick it to your door. Sometimes it’s cool little magnets, other times it’s a small menu taped to the door. I’ve gotten glorious, full-color advertising booklets that baffle me. From my print shop job I remember full-color printing being a bit on the pricey side, so how do these guys afford crank these things out, knowing full well that 90% of them are headed right for the trash. There’s no way anybody saves all this stuff. I get enough door spam in the space of two weeks to cover my entire door. If I kept it all I’d need some elaborate filing system to keep track of it all. What doesn’t get stuck on my door gets jammed in between the door and the frame. My door closes pretty tightly, so when somebody’s jamming stuff in there it almost sounds like a home invasion. Usually it’s some grandmotherly type making her spamming rounds. Because of the tight-fitting doors, only business card sized stuff tends to get delivered via that route. And the only businesses that deliver that way are coffee shops and tea rooms. But I’m not talking about Starbucks here.
Why would they need to advertise this way? Well, let’s take a look at some of their cards:
Now, the ones with just Korean text on them look pretty innocent. The characters “다방” show up a lot, and they stand for “tea room.” It’s the ones with pictures that tell you something’s up. The top-left one is for the “Star Coffee Shop” and the two yellow ones are for the “Smile Tea Room.” (Amusingly enough, the Korean for smile is “미소” which is pronounced “me so.” I’ll leave you to make your own jokes about that.) I’m not sure what the one with the wannabe-emu lady is, but the red one is “Friend Tea Room” and the bottom-right one is the “Red Fox Coffee Shop.” I don’t think the “SM Tea Room” means what it would in the West, but you never know.
Once you get past the innocuous (in some cases) names, and read a bit more, things take on a different cast. For one, what kind of coffee shop is only open from 9 P.M. to 3 A.M.? Some of these don’t even open until midnight. Then you realize something else – there are no addresses on these cards. How are you supposed to find the coffee shop? You’re not.
Because there is no shop.
What these are are coffee delivery services, with the emphasis on “service.” Ring one up, place your token order for coffee and it comes to your door, delivered by a “coffee girl.” She’ll serve up the coffee (no, really officer, I was just ordering coffee – see?) and then get on to the real service. (Now, I’ve not availed myself of these services, so I’m not speaking from first-hand experience. I do have reliable sources to back all this up, though. )
I’m just surprised at the blatantness of the advertising. Can you imagine getting a flyer in the mail for something like this in the U.S.? Sure, in the U.S. it wouldn’t be this subtle. It’s be more like:
Starfucks! or Joe ‘n’ Blow! or the classic Coffee, Tea or Me?
And what about the business angle behind such a venture – especially with all the competition? I mean, sex is sex (pretty much) and hot chicks are hot chicks (pretty much), so how to differentiate your business from all the others?
Do you think maybe they have to compete with each other on the basis of their coffee?!?
I can just see office workers discussing such things around the water cooler: “Sure, I used to use Smile Tea Room, because the ‘French Roast & Fellatio’ combo was hard to beat. But they’ve been using cheaper blends lately and I can’t support a business that’s trying to skimp like that. Red Fox is really setting themselves apart with their ‘Blue Mountain/Backrub/Blowjob’ value set, though, so I suggest you give them a try. You won’t be disappointed.”
Then again, to some people good coffee is more important than sex….