I hate my retinas.

Or they hate me. I’m not sure which it is.


It’s been a gray, rainy weekend, so I’ve spent most of it inside watching movies. Bad movies.

No, I mean really bad movies.

How bad? Well, there was Dracula 2000, which puts forth the theory that Dracula is actually Judas Iscariot. (It is the only movie I’ve seen that tries to explain why christian symbols and silver affect vampires.) Then there was Lost Voyage, a Bermuda Triangle movie starring Judd Nelson. (Yes, he can still get work – if you can call it that.)

And to top it all off – Catwoman.

Who the hell greenlit this movie? And who told Halle Berry she could act? Oscar notwithstanding, she’s not a talented woman. This movie has some of the worst dialogue ever. Hell, it makes her “Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning?” line from X-men seem downright Shakespearian. And the “jokes?” Somebody please track down the writers and burn their Writer’s Guild cards. No, better just burn the writers themselves. In one scene, she hisses at some dogs, because she’s catwoman – get it? And in another one, she’s in a bar and orders a white russian, but with no ice, vodka or Kahlua. So it’s just a glass of cream. Everybody knows cats like cream. And since she’s catwoman, she likes it too!I could go on, but I’m trying to forget I ever bothered to download this piece of crap. No wait! It’s not crap, it’s like a dirty litter box! See, that’s a cat joke too!

Damn, why don’t I have a job in Hollywood?