and I realize how easy it’d be to make it so much better.
I’m sure everybody who’s ever watched any porn has had a similar thought. I mean, so much of what’s out there is such crap, how could you not make it better.
Now, lest anybody think this is me saying, “hey, I’ve got a DV cam and need chicks to come over and help me prove my point,” that’s not where I’m going with this. This is more like a list of pet peeves and other things that should never be included in any porn flick again.
Ever.
1. High heels – You wanna make ’em part of her outfit? Fine. But what I hate are scenes where a chick is totally naked – except for her high heels.
What the fuck’s that about?
Yeah, I know they force the calf muscle to flex and give it that nice curve, but so what? You can get the same effect by pointing your toes. Unless you’re making videos for the shoe fetish crowd, the shoes come off with everything else, okay?
2. Fingernails – Yeah, long nails can be pretty, but they’re hardly ideal if your fingers are going to enter another person’s body. It doesn’t matter how hot a scene is, once a chick with long nails starts putting her fingers in somebody else (or even herself), all I can think is, “damn, she better be careful with those things.”
3. Facials – Why? Just somebody tell me that. What’s the attraction to seeing a dude blow his load on a chick’s face? I’ve yet to meet a girl who goes for that, or even know somebody who knows somebody who knows a girl that does. Sure, porn is about fantasy, but I don’t know anybody who even has this particular fantasy. I can understand the need for a “money shot” to show completion, but not everybody watching porn is that dependent on the visuals. They certainly aren’t in real life. Girls, how many of you can tell when your guy comes without him doing it on your face? All of you, I’d imagine.
4. Shaving – Just a minor quibble here. I prefer the look of a well-groomed woman, and if she wants to shave her business bare, I’m all for it. The only exception I’ll ask for is that if a girl is naturally blonde or red downstairs, it’s nice to see a bit of that color left down there. It just looks good.
5. Lubricants – There’s a reason they sell these. Sometimes you need them, especially if you’re going into places that don’t slick up on their own. But why do you never see them used in porn flicks? The one thing I have seen – and that I really do not need to – is people using spit for lubrication. Saliva, that’s one thing. If you’re blowing somebody you should be able to apply enough saliva while it’s in your mouth to keep things nice and slick. Do not just haul off and spit to slick it up.
That’s just nasty.
Same thing goes for performing oral on women. Between the two of you there should be enough going on that you have to hawk one off on her, okay?
6. Condoms – There is nothing wrong with showing condoms in porn. I get that porn’s all about fantasy, but a healthy (no pun intended) dose of reality isn’t a bad thing now and again.
7. Dialogue – Okay, good dialogue in a porn flick is about as likely as good dialogue in a Star Wars prequel, but it’s not too much to ask for. (In the case of porn anyways.) I bring this up, not because I want people in porn flicks to talk like people in real life. I want people in real life to stop talking like people in porn. If you’ve never had this happen, count yourself lucky. Talking dirty is one thing (and usually a good thing). Talking like a bargain basement porn is not. I’m not asking for a lot here, just a little bit of reality.
8. Give me more – Just because porn exists for one purpose (getting people hot and/or off) doesn’t mean it can exist for others. You know how DVDs have extra features on them? Porn needs these too. Specifically, bloopers. There’s no way every take goes just as planned, and I think the mistakes from porn should would be awesomely funny. I’ve found a few of these on P2P networks and they’re great. Maybe porn stars are supposed to come off as sex gods and goddesses in the film, but they’re just people, and people make mistakes.
And I want to laugh at those mistakes.
I don’t expect any of these ideas to get implemented in the porn world, but a boy’s gotta have a dream, right?
^.^