For those times when “hate” can’t quite cut it.
Believe it or not, this isn’t going to be an angry rant. This is more about a recent bit of self-discovery.
I tend to think of myself as a pretty mellow guy as there’s not a lot of stuff that bothers me. Sure, I’ve got pet peeves and stuff that’ll tweak me more than they should, but who doesn’t? They don’t consume much of my time, and I’m rarely in sulky/grumpy states of mind.
I try not to dwell on the past, instead preferring to deal with the here and now of my life. And sometimes the future. I’m not big on grudges and I”m a pretty forgiving guy, taking a “live and let live” approach to just about everything.
Just about.
There are some things that are flat-out unforgivable, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Even the most die-hard “turn the other cheek” person will have stuff that sticks in their craw for a long time. Most of us have a limit to what we’ll forgive. If somebody crosses that limit, they’re pretty much on your personal shitlist until the end of time.
I never needed such a list until I got to Japan.
Actually, it didn’t truly sink in that I needed one until recently. I was trying to decide how I felt about somebody, and I was having a hard time coming up with an appropriate word to describe my feelings.
At first I thought “hate” might do, but I wasn’t sure. You see, I’ve never actually hated anybody before. Oh sure, people will toss “hate” around pretty casually (like when your grandma says, “oh I just hate that newsgirl on channel 7. She thinks she knows everything.”), but they rarely mean it. Full-on, deep in your guts hate isn’t that common of a thing.
But still, it didn’t quite capture how I felt.
How would you describe your feelings toward somebody who treated you worse than anybody else ever had? Somebody who shat on your life for no other reason than their own selfishness? Somebody who, when pressed for an explanation, could only come up with “I don’t know why.” Somebody who you’ve come to realize you wish you’d never even met. More than that, somebody you wish you could completely erase from your memories?
That’s more than just hate.
Hate usually implies anger. And to be honest, I’m not really angry here. I’m not out for vengeance, or looking to destroy somebody’s life – or even ruin their day. But when the mere mention of somebody’s name produces an immediate “ugh” (sometimes mental, sometimes verbal), you need a word for that feeling.
And that word is “revulsion.”
My online dictionary defines it as “a sense of disgust and loathing,” and that captures exactly how I feel is this matter. I suppose that sounds harsh, and it certainly leaves no room for uncertainty or vagueness, but I think it’s for the best to finally get a handle on something like this.
I’m sure “wordpress fan” would agree.